Author Archive
Even With Laundry I Like To Be Right
I have a history of starting to do things that I know very little about. Becoming a theater publicist, for example. Or a freelance writer. Or having kids.
Now that I’m a stay at home dad, there are a lot of things that I do that I don’t really know how to do. Like doing laundry. When was single I did laundry out of necessity. That is, my clothes were vile, which would cause me to get fired from my job if I wore them, therefore I had to do laundry. I did it as infrequently as possible, and if I could have afforded it, I would have sent it out. I did a decent enough job but I didn’t do things like “iron” or “fold” very often.
Most of the time we have a housekeeper wash our clothes. Or we send it out. But sometimes situations demand that I schlep down to the basement and wash the kids’ clothes. This time it was bathing suits, left at camp over the weekend so they were stinky beyond belief. While I was at it, I threw in the stuff that my youngest “accidented” on at day care. It was a small-ish load, but it had to be done.
My first attempt was met with resistance. Well, passive resistance — no machines were free. I went back upstairs and waited. Next time there was a machine available, albeit one that had a 41 minute cycle. This seemed excessive but I wasn’t going to wait.
When I went down to put the load in the drier, I saw a woman who I know by face but not by name. (This is a common theme in my life; I’m great with faces, terrible with names. Who are you again?) She complained that last night, all of the machines were in use, and that she was going to have to sit and stare at the driers until one opened up.
But! Being a chivalrous sort, I told her that I was planning to pull my clothes out of the machine early.
“Oh yeah?” she said. “When?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Probably about 15 minutes.” I had thought of this already but wasn’t really sure if it was a good idea. But I projected confidence.
“Oh, of course,” she said. “That’s what I do too. Probably just some kids’ stuff?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Bathing suits, you know.” She might know. But I sure as hell don’t.
“Exactly,” she said. “That’s what I do.” She was thrilled that I told her I would be back in 15 minutes. “I’ll be down there in 12,” she said.
So now I’m sitting with my iPod Touch as a timer, counting down the minutes and seconds until I return to the basement to retrieve my stuff. Because I wouldn’t want to disappoint a fellow parent. I also didn’t want to admit that I was unsure about what to do with regards to laundry. Why? I don’t know. At worst the woman probably would have found me amusing, something that happens to me on occassion, and now that I’m married and not attempting to get laid, this is a perfectly acceptable reaction. But I wanted to be RIGHT. I wanted to show that I KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY.
P.S.: 12 minutes later I went back downstairs. No one was there. I grabbed the kids’ clothes — which were now dry — and left. There was still time on the machine for whoever wanted it.
Image: Archive.org
Male Lesbian Discussing Pregnant Man
Welcome to the Bizarro World.
I was looking for a pic of a pregnant woman for this post and stumbled onto this video from Archive.org. What really caught my eye was this description:
“A heterosexual man who’s also a lesbian discusses sexuality, gender and Thomas Beatie, a pregnant man who recently appeared on Oprah.”
A man who’s a lesbian? I’m all for being open minded… well, OK, no I’m not. But I don’t discriminate against someone because of their sexual orientation. But you can’t just make shit up. Can you? I guess you can. But “lesbian man” sounds like a bad joke I might have made in high school.
Here’s the video.
via Archive.org
Sean Salisbury’s Meltdown
You may have read about the trainwreck that is Sean Salisbury. Since the former ESPN talking head is also a dad (more on this later), I decided to weigh in.
Sean Salisbury was an NFL quarterback. He was OK. Not great, but OK. Well, maybe mediocre at best. Hey, he played professional football, which is no small thing.
Speaking of small things, he also allegedly likes to show pictures of his wiener to women at parties. (I should say “allegedly small thing.” No idea how big Little Sean is.)
There is no proof of Salisbury’s actions, and he has denied it vehemently. (Deadspin first mentioned it in 2007.) But in April, a woman gave an “eyewitness account” of the incident to Deadspin.com. Apparently Mr. Salisbury’s M.O. is to go up to a lady and say “want to see a picture of my baby?” Then he pulls out his cellphone, which has a snapshot of his wang.
Only a guy would ever do something like this. Think about it. Has any woman ever walked up to a guy at a party and whipped out a picture of her vagina?
Even if the cellphone thing turns out to be untrue, Sean Salisbury might be insane. Via Deadspin:
Hey I’m a dad trying to raise kids and get reputation cleared and a lawsuit will bring everyone to carpet. So feel free to go on ur deadspin and call me those names.
In response to AJ saying, “Okay. Please try to keep it together,” Sean replied:
Keep what together. Is that one of ur condesending remarks. I am together happy on the beach and raising my kids.
and later:
These emails r from beach. I hope u can get it together lol
Deadspin commenters are generally very amusing, proving that at times The Hive (my name for the collective social networking-commenter-troll brain that is the Interweb these days) can produce cleverness, such as this:
I feel like I just walked in on my dad jerking off into the mirror. (lukeoneil47)
Well said.
Or as a commenter on ProFootballTalk points out, It’s pretty sad actually that there is no one in this guy’s life who will say “come on Sean, it’s starting to really get embarassing”. (Richm2256)
Also well said.
I want to say something about Sean’s “I am together happy on the beach and raising my kids” comment.
I try very hard to avoid spending time on my cellphone when on vacation with the family. I don’t often succeed, but I at least make an effort to limit myself to things that actually require my attention. The idea that Salisbury is engaging in an ongoing dialogue with the editor of a website while on the beach with his kids is wacky. So is the fact that he feels a need to mention them. Using your children as a shield is something I find irritating, and that’s what Sean is doing here. Are we supposed to have sympathy for him beacuse he’s a father? Frankly, after reading his emails to Deadspin, I have more sympathy for his kids.
Image: Wikipedia
Clemson Fan Needs To Calm Down
Complete with ESPN commentators mocking him. With a telestrator. Good times, good times.
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WBmrrRKg-c]
Upset Clemson Fan Overreacting to the Georgia Tech Loss (Youtube via Deadspin)
Mike Ditka Speaks The Truth
Mike Ditka – “If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn’t have given us arms.”
via BrainyQuote
Some Women Save Money By Not Using Birth Control
Eight percent of women are using birth control less regularly as a means of saving money and, among women in financial decline, that number rises to 12 percent.
Can you say pennywise and pound foolish?
Image: Archive.org
Petit Bateau Discount Code
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Your wife will be filled with nachas. Life will be good.
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