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Are We Done With Lance Armstrong Now? [Rants]

According to published reports, professional bike rider Floyd Landis has admitted that he was doping and claims that Lance Armstrong was doing it too. My question is: are we done with Lance Armstrong now?

I’ve never liked Lance Armstrong. There was always something about him. Maybe it’s the way he uses the fact that he had cancer as a marketing tool. Or the fact that nobody ever says what a douche the guy is. I mean, he was making out with an Olsen twin. What the hell? That’s douchey behavior.

But nobody calls him on it. Why not? Because he’s Lance Armstrong. He only has one testicle. (Note: I’m not sure how many testicles he has. Ask the Olsen twins.)

He dumped Sheryl Crow, and it could be because she had breast cancer. The rumor, if I recall correctly, was that she wanted kids and he didn’t. Then he went out and had kids. Methinks Lance just wanted to bang younger women.

But he had cancer! And made those rubber bracelets!

And he’s such a champion! He won all those bike races! No way was he aided by drugs. The French are just jealous. They’re still mad because we saved their ass in WWII. Amirite?

Now it appears that Lance Armstrong may have been lying all along. Landis is definitely lying; he’s either lying doping now, or he was lying about not doping before. Since only high school students trying to look cool lie about taking drugs, I’m going to go with the latter.

Landis is definitely an enormous jackass. In a 2007 New York Times Magazine story, Landis denied doing anything that was against cycling rules. The article talked about his “supporters”; I think some even gave him money to help with his legal fees. Legal fees to defend himself against the allegations that he had done bad things in order to win a bike race.

I’m not someone who spends a lot of time worrying about performance enhancing drugs in sports. I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I do think there is a tremendous amount of hypocrisy in the sports world when it comes to this topic. Brett Favre couldn’t take the field without popping pain pills. Um, hello? If you’re going to put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds because he couldn’t have hit home runs without HGH, shouldn’t you do the same thing for Brett Favre’s consecutive game streak? Oh, but the pain pills didn’t help him play better. True. They helped him play, period. But hey, you know. He’s Brett Favre. That makes it okay.

I could give two shits about cycling. But that’s not the point. The point is the lying, the repeated lying, and the lack of anyone giving a shit about telling the truth.

If it turns out that Lance Armstrong is a lying sack of shit, what will that mean for his “legacy”? Will people burn their rubber bracelets in outrage? Will he have to give back all the money he earned from being a “hero” and a “champion”?

Nah. Because nobody cares. They believed whatever he said, reporters bought into it, and that’s it. It’s old news, right? Who cares? What’s done is done. Besides, he’s really sorry. The French made him do it.

Deadspin points out that “No proof is offered, as of yet. Just the word of a man who has nothing left to lose.” That is, no proof that Armstrong did anything, and Landis has nothing left to lose. For the record, I still think Lance Armstrong is a dick, and that he gets a pass when he does douchey stuff like making out with an Olsen twin, or dumping Sheryl Crow because she has cancer and is too old for his one-balled self, or using his cancer as a marketing tool. But it’s possible that he wasn’t lying about this.

Besides, he had CANCER. Didn’t you know? He’s such a great guy.

Health Care Reform, Blue Dogs, and Paul Krugman

It doesn’t look like the House will vote on a health-care bill before their “recess” on Friday. For some reason I think “recess” is an appropriate term for such a childish group of individuals.

Oh no he didn’t! He did not just call members of our government childish!

Ah, but I did. Why? Because one of the main stumbling blocks appears to be the self-described “Blue Dog Democrats.” I fully respect the idea that people will disagree with the President’s plans, even if they are members of the same party. But why do they have to give themselves a name? Do they wear special jackets? Perhaps with little blue doggie patches on them? Anyway, Paul Krugman says that the Blue Dogs “aren’t making any sense” because they want to keep the costs of the proposed health care plan down, but at the same time don’t want to force small business owners to contribute to it. (I’m simplifying a lot. Sorry. I don’t have a NOBEL PRIZE.) Personally, I think Krugman is an extremely bright guy but is wrong about this particular point. It is possible to think one thing that appears to be in opposition to something else. It happens all the time. To me, the real problem is watching potentially life changing legislation get hung up by a bunch of guys who feel the need to call themselves something as stupid as the Blue Dogs.

Is the President’s plan perfect? I have no idea, but I doubt it. Will the Obama Presidency collapse if health care reform isn’t passed by Friday, as Krugman suggests? Nah. In fact, the President himself said “by the end of the year” in his press conference last week. Nobody seemed to notice. So this “before you get to go to recess” deadline is mostly designed to give the House and Senate a kick in the ass.

And you know what? It worked. Republicans are talking seriously about health-care reform. You know the last time that happened? Nixon. (Again, I may be wrong about that. But I don’t think I am.) Not that I want to let anyone off the hook, but you know something? That’s a victory for President Obama. A very real one. Can you tell me the last time we saw a debate about the issue at hand — health care — getting more attention than the politics surrounding the issue? Obviously politics are still very much a part of the storyline. But John McCain just helped the President kill off a plan to build more F-22 fighter planes. John McFuckingCain! The guy who ran against Obama for President! How is that not seen as a major political victory?

I hope they pass a health care plan. I really do. And I hope it’s not done to meet an artificial deadline. But I don’t think it is. If the House leaves without a vote, they’re the ones who will look like they haven’t done their jobs. The President is doing his. It’s time somebody started to notice.